Bewildered. Lost. Confused. Can’t make heads or tails of what has happened.

A voice. My name. Repeated. Where.

My entire body is stiff, shuddering, and spasming in the most torturously pleasurable way ever. I’ve never experienced this before.

I don’t understand what’s happening. I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m on drugs but I know that’s not the case. This slow euphoric dream like state where I can barely lift my arms or unravel my legs from my curled and clenched position with spasms rocking my body.

“Nina, you’re okay. You’re okay. Nina. Its okay, Nina.”

His voice, slow and careful. His hands, holding mine - or mine gripping his for safety, security, comfort. Seeking solace from this lost sensation I feel.

“Look at me. Nina. Look at me.”

I roll my head in the direction of his voice, breathing in staggered shuddering breathes. I can’t keep my eyes open.

“Nina. Nina. I need you to look at me. Nina. Look at me.”

I roll my head straight and with some effort, I open my eyes and look at him.

A shuddering gasp, my fingers try to get some grip over his arms - the comfort of his warmth and being overwhelming as I’m suddenly anchored and aware. My lip trembles and I feel the tears come.

I can’t stop it.

All of a sudden, I’m crying. He holds me, cradles me, collects my broken self back together and makes me breathe. I think our heart beats matched at one point. He coos me, calms me, makes me feel safe again. He apologizes, again and again.

Within the sanctuary of his arms, I come back from whatever sexual ecstasy I was in with aftershocks and tremors. We lay together as I feared the sensation of being alone - I’m not fully there.

I feel like I’m high still. I feel light headed with a light sensation of floating and I can’t quite move on my own quite well. I feel drugged and I explain it to him, slow and slurred like I’m drunk with a giggle and a smile. I’m almost okay.

Dopamine, endorphins, epinephrine he claims. He explains my lack of motor functions and what happened.

Erotic asphyxiation.
It wasn’t our first time playing with it.
It was my first time blacking out for the quarter second (minutes) I did.

I’m falling in love.

My hands can’t stop feeling his skin.
My eyes can’t stop seeing his face.
My body can’t stop remembering his warmth.

I’m falling in love in a way I hadn’t before.
Its as equally as scary.
But surprisingly, I don’t want anything more.

pearlaesthetic:

Pure passion with another human is hard to find. It is not something that can be forced, or even falsely created. Passion is overwhelming. It’s the goosebumps and raised hairs that send shivers down your spine. It’s the arching of your back and dragging your nails down his. It’s closing your eyes and letting your head fall back, ever so slowly. It’s the slight openness of your mouth and the smallest, sexiest noise that’s released. It’s the moans you try so desperately to hold back, yet find it impossible to do so. It’s that smirk he gives you in the middle of a kiss, as his body lay atop yours. He’s inside you and he knows he’s pleasing you. He smiles knowing what he’s doing to you… knowing he won’t stop even if you beg him too. That is passion.

xxtori-d:

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I feel lost in this relationship.

And it doesn’t help that he’s in Austin now so I can’t (but can) really talk to him. I think I’m back to pushing him away.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I want more of you.

I want to feel my chest against yours, your breath against my ears. I want to feel the warmth from our bodies trapped beneath blankets.

I want the annoying tug of you laying on my hair, or even the gentle brush of the strands away. I want to feel your chest against my back, your arm underneath my head and around my waist. I want to feel your palm against my hand, with our fingers intertwined. 

I want feel the beating of your steady heart, and see the rise and fall of your chest. I want to feel the twitches of your muscles against my legs that cross yours.

I want to trace circles on your skin. I want to feel the muscles and knots on your back underneath my pressuring palms. I want to see that quirky grin when I scratch your head and play with your hair. I want to look at your auburn eyes and get lost in their colors. I want to tuck my face against your back when you want to be the little spoon. 

I want more of you. I want so much more of you.

I even want to fall in love with you.

i’m lonely.

i want to see my boyfriend.

having all this drama with his friends, not being able to see him, and having dreams where he’s getting approved by my parents and having feelings that are questioningly close to something like love is terrifying and draining.