Bewildered. Lost. Confused. Can’t make heads or tails of what has happened.
A voice. My name. Repeated. Where.
My entire body is stiff, shuddering, and spasming in the most torturously pleasurable way ever. I’ve never experienced this before.
I don’t understand what’s happening. I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m on drugs but I know that’s not the case. This slow euphoric dream like state where I can barely lift my arms or unravel my legs from my curled and clenched position with spasms rocking my body.
“Nina, you’re okay. You’re okay. Nina. Its okay, Nina.”
His voice, slow and careful. His hands, holding mine - or mine gripping his for safety, security, comfort. Seeking solace from this lost sensation I feel.
“Look at me. Nina. Look at me.”
I roll my head in the direction of his voice, breathing in staggered shuddering breathes. I can’t keep my eyes open.
“Nina. Nina. I need you to look at me. Nina. Look at me.”
I roll my head straight and with some effort, I open my eyes and look at him.
A shuddering gasp, my fingers try to get some grip over his arms - the comfort of his warmth and being overwhelming as I’m suddenly anchored and aware. My lip trembles and I feel the tears come.
I can’t stop it.
All of a sudden, I’m crying. He holds me, cradles me, collects my broken self back together and makes me breathe. I think our heart beats matched at one point. He coos me, calms me, makes me feel safe again. He apologizes, again and again.
Within the sanctuary of his arms, I come back from whatever sexual ecstasy I was in with aftershocks and tremors. We lay together as I feared the sensation of being alone - I’m not fully there.
I feel like I’m high still. I feel light headed with a light sensation of floating and I can’t quite move on my own quite well. I feel drugged and I explain it to him, slow and slurred like I’m drunk with a giggle and a smile. I’m almost okay.
Dopamine, endorphins, epinephrine he claims. He explains my lack of motor functions and what happened.
It wasn’t our first time playing with it.
It was my first time blacking out for the quarter second (minutes) I did.